The New Year

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." - Oscar Wilde

As I look to the new year, I reflect upon all my failures. From early childhood memories to just this morning when I didn't tell Tanya how much I love her, the failures are very real and they haunt me. It is if they are a bad poison I cannot expel. I dwell upon a failed business, failed friendships and relationships, and a failed attempt to end my life.

I am very lucky and fortunate to be alive. Now is not the time to go into the details, (I already did in another post) but I am still breathing. Unfortunately, I have done almost nothing with my second chance. (Yet, another failure.) Despite all the opportunity in the world, I have let time and opportunity pass. I have failed to live up to a "normal" life. To use someone else's words; I am a shell of who I use to be. To phrase it differently, I've been broken.

All confidence and identity have left me. And as a male living in the shadows and outskirts of society, I have no importance.

To be a "man" in this world is hard. Yes, I am emotional. Conversely, I enjoy a lot of the masculine stereotypes. There are plenty of societal pressures to act a certain way and put on a persona. However, I hate the fact there is hardly any honesty. We hide from some of our feelings and personality traits. This has caused me to retreat within myself.

It is time to face myself and to attempt to enter society again.

My broad goals for the year are to reintroduce myself, while rejuvenating who I am; my personalities, emotions, and physical appearance.

But most importantly, I will try to remove the masks and the inhibition and offer up honesty. I hope that there are other people who will relate and share their stories. At times it will be confusing or hypocritical, but we are confusing creatures. Life is more complicated than we can admit. It is NOT black and white. I just want to be myself.

This is who I am...as imperfect as it is...I am nobody but myself.

Tim