We've been making some big changes in our apartment. It's been a long time coming and we've been carefully planning it out. We still have a long way to go, but we're so excited about what we've done so far!
We got a new couch and love seat. I LOVE THEM!!!
We also swapped out this old thing:
For this new thing:
This is also a work in progress that we'll finish up this week:
The one thing that hasn't changed around here is how sleepy our puppies are. I love how Maddie will fall asleep sitting up and will slowly hunch over until she's lying down.
I did not sleep well this morning. A lot of things buzzing around in my head. And as I sit here trying to think of how to explain what those things are...I find myself with a lack of words...
Its funny how we want to be heard, how we want to be validated, but we don't know how to express it. One of my problems is feeling like I'm an unique individual. All of the places I have lived, all of the experiences I've had, and all of the things I've done and accomplished seem unique...but not really.
There are people who have lived all around the world...There are people that have had much bigger and better and whatever experiences that I never had...My accomplishments...well, are not all that great...
It has left me feeling unimportant and unwanted. Very humbling. But that is me giving up. And of all of the qualities that I hate about people, there is one I absolutely love; the ability to continue despite of great odds. I believe it is a survival trait from the days of us being monkeys in trees. We need to have the audacity to carry on regardless of the odds being against us. This is much easier said than done. Simple solutions. However, if the earthquake in Haiti reminds us of anything, it is how people will come together to help each other out.
So I am going to put my feelings of inadequacy aside and try to help out. My goal is to spend the next few weeks down at the homeless dining room trying to help.
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." - Ghandi
I hope that maybe other people will join me and find a cause that helps our fellow man out.
This is a picture I took of a man pushing a shopping cart full of cans and bottles.
Tanya has officially been given her promotion. Congrats to her.
However, it has made me feel inadequate. I would never take away her accomplishment, so please don't misunderstand this post. It is just hard to be a male and not the provider. I'm sure someone would say "just work hard" or "just get a job." Simple answers. But that is another post... I am not much in the eyes of society. If the man doesn't work and provide, he doesn't have any worth. So, I guess by my logic, I'm worthless.
I've been listening to one song today; Society by Eddie Vedder. The lyrics "society, I hope your are not lonely without me" makes me think about my place in the world. On one hand, I hate and hold society in contempt. How and on what criteria do we judge others? On the other hand, I long to part of something. This is part of my cross to carry... I don't know where I am going with this. I just wanted to get my initial feelings down.
The song is from a movie call "Into the Wild." Its based on the true story of a young man who gives up everything, including his family, and just disappears.
Oh, it's a mystery to me We have a greed with which we have agreed And you think you have to want more than you need Until you have it all you won't be free
Society, you're a crazy breed Hope you're not lonely without me...
When you want more than you have You think you need... And when you think more than you want Your thoughts begin to bleed I think I need to find a bigger place Because when you have more than you think You need more space
Society, you're a crazy breed Hope you're not lonely without me... Society, crazy indeed Hope you're not lonely without me...
There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more But if less is more, how you keeping score? Means for every point you make, your level drops Kinda like you're starting from the top You can't do that...
Society, you're a crazy breed Hope you're not lonely without me... Society, crazy indeed Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, have mercy on me Hope you're not angry if I disagree... Society, crazy indeed Hope you're not lonely without me...
First off, I woke because I was having a dream that Tanya was cheating on me with some guy she works with. While this is nothing but a dream (is it Tanya???) I was reminded about my first wife. We were married for 5 years and 6 days...yes, I counted the days. It wasn't the greatest relationship, but wasn't the worst. It just didn't work out. Of the last year, she was just disinterest in our life together. She started to go out more with her single friends. Eventually, she left for good and I later found out that (after she left) she had a boyfriend from Australia. Why Australia? Ask her. But I had failed. I had lost. Which ties into the next thing on my mind this morning.
Second, I had an interview for a job yesterday. It did NOT go well. I have never been in an interview where you could tell, by body language, that they were not interested. Another failure. I have been trying to gain employment for the last year, but it has not happened. We are doing just fine on Tanya's salary and what little money I'm able to raise. But it is hard to be rejected time and time again. Especially, now that we are trying to be more involved this year.
I don't want to keep on the negative and failures. So, I'm trying to focus on the positive. Because of my failure as a husband to my first wife; I am trying to be a better companion for Tanya. As for the failed interview...well, I'll just keep trying. Or I'll re-attempt my business. We will have to see...
Finally, as I was reaching for a mug for my morning coffee, I noticed the mug I was grabbing was Tanya's Cinderella mug. Quickly, I pulled my hand away and started to look for another vehicle for my coffee. But a thought crossed my mind: why not? If I was around other people, I'm sure I would have been teased. However, there is no one else, other than the dogs, to see me the "girlie" mug. (The irony is that I'm telling the world by putting this story on the blog.) So, here I am, sipping on coffee...with Cinderella pasted all over the outside.
Sorry for the poorly worded post...blame it on Cinderella.
PS. This video always reminds me of Tanya and how she loves to dance.
I’m interviewing for my manager’s job today. I am really nervous. Really, really nervous. I don’t know what more I could do to prepare, so at least I have that feeling as well. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I know that becoming the manager will mean a lot of stress. It’ll probably mean longer hours for a while so I can adjust to all the new responsibilities while keeping up my workload. We’re short an analyst right now, so we are all really busy. If I got the job, we’d have to hire an analyst and I’d also have to tackle the challenge of training a new employee.
I desperately want the job, though. It’ll be such an exciting challenge! I think I could really do a good job as the manager. And now I have such high hopes and such competitive feelings about it that I would be devastated to not get the job. I’d get over the pain rather quickly, though, if it truly was a more qualified person. What I fear is that they won’t like any of the candidates and will keep looking for a manager. That would hurt a lot.
Either way, the interview is today. I’m feeling confident right now. I’m overwhelmed with nervous excitement – but that’s a good thing. What has kept me going and helped me so much during this has been Tim’s love and support for me. (And no, I’m not just saying that because he reads this blog.) Through my nervousness and my self-doubt, he has constantly reminded me how great he thinks I am. Just now, I got an email from him reminding me why he thinks I’ll do a great job at both the interview and as a manager. It was exactly what I needed right now. But the best part of it? He said this:
“Go for it. You can move mountains kid.”
And I cried. I’m so lucky to have him with everything he does for me. I’m going to go in there and validate all those wonderful things he said about me. I’m going to take on this mountain, whatever the outcome.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." - Oscar Wilde
As I look to the new year, I reflect upon all my failures. From early childhood memories to just this morning when I didn't tell Tanya how much I love her, the failures are very real and they haunt me. It is if they are a bad poison I cannot expel. I dwell upon a failed business, failed friendships and relationships, and a failed attempt to end my life.
I am very lucky and fortunate to be alive. Now is not the time to go into the details, (I already did in another post) but I am still breathing. Unfortunately, I have done almost nothing with my second chance. (Yet, another failure.) Despite all the opportunity in the world, I have let time and opportunity pass. I have failed to live up to a "normal" life. To use someone else's words; I am a shell of who I use to be. To phrase it differently, I've been broken.
All confidence and identity have left me. And as a male living in the shadows and outskirts of society, I have no importance.
To be a "man" in this world is hard. Yes, I am emotional. Conversely, I enjoy a lot of the masculine stereotypes. There are plenty of societal pressures to act a certain way and put on a persona. However, I hate the fact there is hardly any honesty. We hide from some of our feelings and personality traits. This has caused me to retreat within myself.
It is time to face myself and to attempt to enter society again.
My broad goals for the year are to reintroduce myself, while rejuvenating who I am; my personalities, emotions, and physical appearance.
But most importantly, I will try to remove the masks and the inhibition and offer up honesty. I hope that there are other people who will relate and share their stories. At times it will be confusing or hypocritical, but we are confusing creatures. Life is more complicated than we can admit. It is NOT black and white. I just want to be myself.
This is who I am...as imperfect as it is...I am nobody but myself.
We also swapped out this old thing:
For this new thing:
This is also a work in progress that we'll finish up this week:
The one thing that hasn't changed around here is how sleepy our puppies are. I love how Maddie will fall asleep sitting up and will slowly hunch over until she's lying down.
Can't wait to post about everything else!
