The fear

When I originally wanted to remove myself from everything, I was frustrated with a friend, my family and my situation.

I have had this friend for the last few years. In the beginning we would get together a couple of times a week for beers and philosophical talk. It was pleasant to connect with some on a deeper, meaningful plain. However, as time has passed, we have grown apart. In fact, I am now very angry at him and don't want anything to do with him. I have tried to schedule time with him, but there is always an excuse. (Even when he has said yes.)

Its easier to say goodbye to a friend than to cut your ties with your family. Over the last couple of years, my father has bought in to the "right wing" side of things. For the record, I think that we are "convinced" to buy into an opinion and just because you believe it, doesn't make it true. Right, left, up, or down. It is all a joke and bullshit that people play to give them a sense of power, place, and privilege. And the more you get people to buy into it, the more power, place, and privilege you get. So I strive to reject it all. With all of that said, my father calls me "ignorant" and that I "don't know." (I'll post more about my feelings on this subject later.)

As hard as it is to escape from your family, it is impossible to escape the person you are. I want to escape who I am. Who I am around other people. Who I try to be in groups. Who I am when I'm angry. I am also frustrated with who I am not.

All of these things and others led me to want to remove myself from everyday living and everyday interactions. I just wanted to film. But there is a problem and it is my fear.

The fear of exposing myself to those I know. My friends, my family, and even myself. (I can almost hear the laughter and ridicule) I have no support system, yet I worry about what people think. We (in very general terms) try to act certain ways in public and around people (society.) And I find that this thing I wanted to do has been harder than I thought. I have regrets. I feel guilty. It must be hard on Tanya. Besides, I have broken my "silence." I have gone to weddings, dinners, and such. I almost have all but abandoned my goal. Is it subconscious? Or have I moved on to something else.

So we will see what comes...