This morning

I did not sleep well this morning. A lot of things buzzing around in my head. And as I sit here trying to think of how to explain what those things are...I find myself with a lack of words...

Its funny how we want to be heard, how we want to be validated, but we don't know how to express it. One of my problems is feeling like I'm an unique individual. All of the places I have lived, all of the experiences I've had, and all of the things I've done and accomplished seem unique...but not really.

There are people who have lived all around the world...There are people that have had much bigger and better and whatever experiences that I never had...My accomplishments...well, are not all that great...

It has left me feeling unimportant and unwanted. Very humbling. But that is me giving up. And of all of the qualities that I hate about people, there is one I absolutely love; the ability to continue despite of great odds. I believe it is a survival trait from the days of us being monkeys in trees. We need to have the audacity to carry on regardless of the odds being against us. This is much easier said than done. Simple solutions. However, if the earthquake in Haiti reminds us of anything, it is how people will come together to help each other out.

So I am going to put my feelings of inadequacy aside and try to help out. My goal is to spend the next few weeks down at the homeless dining room trying to help.

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." - Ghandi

I hope that maybe other people will join me and find a cause that helps our fellow man out.


This is a picture I took of a man pushing a shopping cart full of cans and bottles.

Society, hope your not lonely without me

Tanya has officially been given her promotion. Congrats to her.

However, it has made me feel inadequate. I would never take away her accomplishment, so please don't misunderstand this post. It is just hard to be a male and not the provider. I'm sure someone would say "just work hard" or "just get a job." Simple answers. But that is another post... I am not much in the eyes of society. If the man doesn't work and provide, he doesn't have any worth. So, I guess by my logic, I'm worthless.

I've been listening to one song today; Society by Eddie Vedder. The lyrics "society, I hope your are not lonely without me" makes me think about my place in the world. On one hand, I hate and hold society in contempt. How and on what criteria do we judge others? On the other hand, I long to part of something. This is part of my cross to carry... I don't know where I am going with this. I just wanted to get my initial feelings down.

The song is from a movie call "Into the Wild." Its based on the true story of a young man who gives up everything, including his family, and just disappears.




Oh, it's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all you won't be free

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

When you want more than you have
You think you need...
And when you think more than you want
Your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
Because when you have more than you think
You need more space

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more
But if less is more, how you keeping score?
Means for every point you make, your level drops
Kinda like you're starting from the top
You can't do that...

Society, you're a crazy breed
Hope you're not lonely without me...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, have mercy on me
Hope you're not angry if I disagree...
Society, crazy indeed
Hope you're not lonely without me...

Cinderella mugs and other stuff

There 3 things that on my mind this morning.

First off, I woke because I was having a dream that Tanya was cheating on me with some guy she works with. While this is nothing but a dream (is it Tanya???) I was reminded about my first wife. We were married for 5 years and 6 days...yes, I counted the days. It wasn't the greatest relationship, but wasn't the worst. It just didn't work out. Of the last year, she was just disinterest in our life together. She started to go out more with her single friends. Eventually, she left for good and I later found out that (after she left) she had a boyfriend from Australia. Why Australia? Ask her. But I had failed. I had lost. Which ties into the next thing on my mind this morning.

Second, I had an interview for a job yesterday. It did NOT go well. I have never been in an interview where you could tell, by body language, that they were not interested. Another failure. I have been trying to gain employment for the last year, but it has not happened. We are doing just fine on Tanya's salary and what little money I'm able to raise. But it is hard to be rejected time and time again. Especially, now that we are trying to be more involved this year.

I don't want to keep on the negative and failures. So, I'm trying to focus on the positive. Because of my failure as a husband to my first wife; I am trying to be a better companion for Tanya. As for the failed interview...well, I'll just keep trying. Or I'll re-attempt my business. We will have to see...

Finally, as I was reaching for a mug for my morning coffee, I noticed the mug I was grabbing was Tanya's Cinderella mug. Quickly, I pulled my hand away and started to look for another vehicle for my coffee. But a thought crossed my mind: why not? If I was around other people, I'm sure I would have been teased. However, there is no one else, other than the dogs, to see me the "girlie" mug. (The irony is that I'm telling the world by putting this story on the blog.) So, here I am, sipping on coffee...with Cinderella pasted all over the outside.

Sorry for the poorly worded post...blame it on Cinderella.

PS. This video always reminds me of Tanya and how she loves to dance.

Interviewing

I’m interviewing for my manager’s job today. I am really nervous. Really, really nervous. I don’t know what more I could do to prepare, so at least I have that feeling as well. I have so many mixed feelings about this. I know that becoming the manager will mean a lot of stress. It’ll probably mean longer hours for a while so I can adjust to all the new responsibilities while keeping up my workload. We’re short an analyst right now, so we are all really busy. If I got the job, we’d have to hire an analyst and I’d also have to tackle the challenge of training a new employee.

I desperately want the job, though. It’ll be such an exciting challenge! I think I could really do a good job as the manager. And now I have such high hopes and such competitive feelings about it that I would be devastated to not get the job. I’d get over the pain rather quickly, though, if it truly was a more qualified person. What I fear is that they won’t like any of the candidates and will keep looking for a manager. That would hurt a lot.

Either way, the interview is today. I’m feeling confident right now. I’m overwhelmed with nervous excitement – but that’s a good thing. What has kept me going and helped me so much during this has been Tim’s love and support for me. (And no, I’m not just saying that because he reads this blog.) Through my nervousness and my self-doubt, he has constantly reminded me how great he thinks I am. Just now, I got an email from him reminding me why he thinks I’ll do a great job at both the interview and as a manager. It was exactly what I needed right now. But the best part of it? He said this:

“Go for it. You can move mountains kid.”

And I cried. I’m so lucky to have him with everything he does for me. I’m going to go in there and validate all those wonderful things he said about me. I’m going to take on this mountain, whatever the outcome.

The New Year

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." - Oscar Wilde

As I look to the new year, I reflect upon all my failures. From early childhood memories to just this morning when I didn't tell Tanya how much I love her, the failures are very real and they haunt me. It is if they are a bad poison I cannot expel. I dwell upon a failed business, failed friendships and relationships, and a failed attempt to end my life.

I am very lucky and fortunate to be alive. Now is not the time to go into the details, (I already did in another post) but I am still breathing. Unfortunately, I have done almost nothing with my second chance. (Yet, another failure.) Despite all the opportunity in the world, I have let time and opportunity pass. I have failed to live up to a "normal" life. To use someone else's words; I am a shell of who I use to be. To phrase it differently, I've been broken.

All confidence and identity have left me. And as a male living in the shadows and outskirts of society, I have no importance.

To be a "man" in this world is hard. Yes, I am emotional. Conversely, I enjoy a lot of the masculine stereotypes. There are plenty of societal pressures to act a certain way and put on a persona. However, I hate the fact there is hardly any honesty. We hide from some of our feelings and personality traits. This has caused me to retreat within myself.

It is time to face myself and to attempt to enter society again.

My broad goals for the year are to reintroduce myself, while rejuvenating who I am; my personalities, emotions, and physical appearance.

But most importantly, I will try to remove the masks and the inhibition and offer up honesty. I hope that there are other people who will relate and share their stories. At times it will be confusing or hypocritical, but we are confusing creatures. Life is more complicated than we can admit. It is NOT black and white. I just want to be myself.

This is who I am...as imperfect as it is...I am nobody but myself.

Tim

The Neglect of Goals

I am neglecting my goals, my plans. I feel bad.

We are making some big changes in our lives and I am focusing on them more.

Not much to say really. I know I can do it, but I have to get the motivation.

More to come.

The old post from another blog

This is an old post where I talk about my suicide attempt.

This is very hard for me. While I feel like I must get these thoughts and feelings out, it is probably the most personal thing I have or could share. It is the one thing that I haven’t shared with but a couple of people. It is my deepest secret. I share this not to be whiny or self important. I share this so that maybe I can turn a corner and move on.

I attempted to take my life.

Where to begin? How far back do I go? How much back story is needed? I think I’ll start, briefly, of my life growing up. Because of my father’s vagabond heart, my family moved around…a lot. Before I was 18 the longest I had lived in one place was 3 years. From the farmlands of the Midwest to tropic islands in the pacific, it seems as if I had lived everywhere. (Not true, but I have seen many different cultures, geography, and surroundings.) The beautiful thing is that I have had the opportunity to view and experience things that most people will never get to see in their lifetimes. And for this, I am forever thankful to my father. It has opened my eyes and given me the understanding that we are all, in the end, just people. We love, hate and base most of our decisions on emotion. We do and act in accordance to our genetics, culture, and upbringing.

The down fall: I was always an outsider. I never fit in. I never learned how to incorporate myself with people. Maybe it was the constant moving around? Or maybe it was my family’s insecurities? I’m not going to take the time to explore that now. Whatever the cause, I felt lonely and this has followed me throughout my life. I tried to fit in. I tried to be friendly. But in my mind, I never found success. In fact, to this day, I dislike being in groups. I am always uncomfortable. Likewise, I enjoy being one-on-one with people. Despite this, I feel uncomfortable after a while with that person. I feel like they get annoyed with me. I always feel like a fool for almost everything I say. On top of all of this, I am diabetic. My whole life, I have felt hindered.

For reasons beyond my comprehension at this moment, I was luckily to be married, twice. My first marriage was not ideal. I was very angry and emotionally took it out on my wife. It hurts me to this day that I wasn’t nicer or more caring to her needs. I sincerely hope she has found her happiness.

Then there was Tanya. I don’t know what I can say about her in a paragraph…she is beautiful. She is fun to be around. Her laugh is contagious. Her smile warms my heart. She is enthusiastic about almost anything. I don’t know how I was able to attract such a person. I don’t believe in soul mates, but she is very close. After I lost my first wife, I was determined to succeed. I want more out of life. I wanted to be everything for Tanya. I wanted to be everything I was not. Suddenly, I was not hindered and felt like I could accomplish almost anything/everything I wanted to.

I was able to enroll in school and get a college education. Success in almost everything I did came easy. Life was on the fast track. I worked my way into being a “Budget Director” for a non-profit. For 3 months I shined. The Board of Directors looked at me for direction when they fired the Director. I helped things stay afloat, even was asked to represent the board for a small claims court issue. (We lost by the way.)

Unknowingly, I had not fully learned my job and we (the non-profit) reached a massive crisis. We were overdrawn at the bank. I had dropped the ball. This was January 2008. As we struggled to keep afloat and fix things, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of shame, embarrassment, confusion, and anxiety. I was burnt out. Regrettably, I think I was letting my marriage slip also.

Then there was this one morning…and what happened next is all a dream. I remember lying on the bathroom floor crying. The tears forced their way through my body and I couldn’t control them. My body shook. My emotions ran wild while snot poured from my nose. I was at rock bottom, being dragged through the mire. I asked Tanya to take me to the hospital. The doctors looked over me, gave me drugs, and sent me on my way. That evening all of the issues forcefully came back. Tanya took me back to the hospital. Their solution this time was to admit me over night. After meeting with more people the next day, they decided to release me.

I return to work the following week. But it had all changed. All of the trust I had built with my employers seemed to have disappeared. It was a burden to bear. Once again, I felt like I was on the outside. I had begun looking for ways to escape. My relationship with a wonderful woman was stretched thin. My professional life was over. Any perceived self-importance was gone. I was worthless.

It was all too easy to follow a train of thought that led to suicide. I had nowhere to escape. I had bottomed out. My desire for life had come to its end.
Here is what I remember:

- I had an argument with Tanya
- I injected a lethal amount of insulin
- Tanya came home early and took me to the hospital

I spent the next week in a psych unit. Trying to figure out why I was still alive and what the future held, I was locked up. In fact, I had to ask someone to unlock the bathroom! It was a miserable existence. Here I was, having attempted to end my life, and I was a prisoner. It was a double hit. (I may explore this experience in another post.)

After they determined I was not a threat to myself, the doctors let me go. It was too hard to face work. I stop going. I quit. Tanya, I believe, was happy to not have lost me and welcomed me home.

It is a year later. There are, at times, desires to end it all. Maybe they are just too ingrained in me, but the feelings and thoughts will not leave my mind. I still feel alone. I feel as if my friends and acquaintances have abandoned me. I still feel worthless.

Once again, I don’t share this experience and these feelings easily. I’m not asking for anything. I hope that sharing this will help me close this chapter of my life. If you are feeling similar things, please seek help.

Seal - Love's divine
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